Sunday, April 5, 2015

I Never Finish Anyth

Blogs aren't meant to be diaries, or therapies but this post might teeter at the edge of one of the two. Do you have a place where when your mind is racing and you need to de-funkify the noise, something breaks through and you have an epiphany? I have two places where I do one of two things;

Worry or Pray

I may not even call it worry at the moment, but that's usually the inner dialogue where all of my problems have a traffic jam, exactly when I'm in traffic. In my head I function on right brain technology, an interface where all logic and reality converge with hyperbole and metaphor and things in there can get really messy.
Driving has always been one of my vices to sort that out.
I know some of you are shaking your heads because the thought of getting in your car and navigating Nashville while solving your inner NATO issues is the last place you'd think to work out your stuff, but for some reason it's a more manageable chaos for me.
The thought of getting in my car and going ANYWHERE seems better to me than sitting static and going NOWHERE.
Even in traffic, we're all bound to get somewhere eventually..

The second place is in my shower, or at the kitchen sink. This probably sounds even stranger than the first.
In my shower I have written some of the best songs that never seem to make it out of that glass box, but oh my Lawd they sound good. Let's be honest, shower singers, we all sound hella good in there. Every book idea, every song idea, every hairstyle idea, every painting idea has had it's inception in the shower.
The bath tub is far too complicated, I don't know if it's because I get bored in there but running water seems to always do the trick. I bet I could come up with some fascinating ideas at Niagra Falls.

About that worrying, I read the best quote and posted it once to my Instagram..

But it's so much easier!!

For the last two months, and five years I have been so good at this. I had been a stay at home Mom for almost a decade, until that plan flew out the window when Divorce came knocking at the door. If worrying was entertainment, I'd have an Oscar by now. Worrying is also like trying to solve a rubiks cube in the dark. (I told you I like metaphors, I also just aged myself with that comment.)

Spell check has underlined rubiks, and now I'm worried about losing street-cred with one of you who is grammar-tastic. (People like me, keep editors paid.) So my point is getting there, and I thank you for bearing with me on this post. Welcome to the daily battle of my mind.

This is what keeps me up at night, why I'm writing right now because just a moment ago I got an epiphany. Where do you think I was? 

This time, I was brushing my teeth and this verse popped into my head.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. NIV

All of my Facebook homies, friends, family and coworkers have known that I have been trying to get things rolling with more consistent Makeup work.  I homeschool my youngest, and being a Full time Mom is my biggest priority.  Some days I think one plan is the best, and then find myself second guessing that choice. Basically, I get NOWHERE. I talk myself into a hundred things and talk myself out of a million more. It's exhausting!! Other creative brains, you get me, right?! You're multi faceted like a rainbow with ADHD.

You can sing, dance, write stories and songs! You invent gadgets in your head that can hold your ice cream cone while driving a stick shift so you can eat it, or a remote control GPS app on your iPhone while crocheting an environmentally friendly recyclable coffee cup wrap. The worst part, you haven't finished one!! Not ONE THING! You enjoy so many things that your college guidance counselor is probably now receiving therapy for the millions of major to minor changes you made before you dropped out and joined a band that only ever got paid in free tacos. My biggest question for most of my life has been, God, why would you wire any of us this way?! 

This is a pillow I almost made..

Okay, so I never even started that pillow but if I did it would look just like that one, but probably "I never fin.."

I don't think this is one of those, 'teachable moment' posts but I know there's more of us out there and we are annoying all the left brainers who finished that pillow up there along with all of their perfectly folded laundry yesterday before Easter Sunday.

And to all of you 20 somethings reading this.. if I just described you, I am the last person who should give you any advice. I'd like to publicly apologize to the sales girl at the Lush store in Green Hills Mall who said she was on her 6th major and I said "Just do it all!" Your parents want their tuition money back that they've been saving since you were in diapers.

So how am I supposed to make sense of me? I think it's exactly what that verse said.

'Many are the plans in a persons heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.' I think I have to just continue to trust that. If you don't believe in Christ, I'm praying that you might give it a little bit of faith. The best part, it's the beginning of a relationship that you don't have to worry about, it's steadfast, and consistent and maybe that's why it's my favorite one.

Before I had gone in to brush my teeth, I had been laying down getting my son to go to sleep saying prayers. It's crazy, for someone like me who can't finish anything, how quickly God answers and finishes my thoughts with scripture. Which now, I believe is where my Epiphany comes in. He just asked me to Begin. Any one of my crazy plans, I may not finish. I'm amazed that I've almost finished this post. I'm just going to lay these plans at his feet, and begin one. I may write about my next huge failure, but it's his purpose that always prevails and I'm going to go to sleep with that tonight. What I'm not going to do is go to sleep, worrying. I'm going to at least pray for the things that I actually do want. If you see me driving around Nashville aimlessly, just wave and know that I'm working things out in my head to let God's purpose help me finish the things I can't.